Back to Lausanne

I`ve returned to Lausanne now after a full week of learning about relief work, humanitarian aid, and Medair`s mandate within that context. It`s very difficult to know how to summarize such an intense week, but to say that I have learned so much about this type of work, about myself, about living and working within a team. My head is still swirling with the information and I plan to spend the next days processing through all of it. More to come on how this might fit into my future plans!

I`m staying in Lausanne for a few days now with a friend that I met at the training, Sophie. She has been so kind & it is very refreshing to have a home to stay in rather than a hostel! Kathleen & Gavin, two others I met this past week, also stayed here last night & it has been a relaxing last day of walking, talking & processing together what we`ve experienced.

I don`t have many photos, but here are a few to enjoy of the beauty here.

a view of Lake Geneva & the French alps on the other side

Kathleen & I

Lake Geneva coast at Rolly

In Lovely Switzerland

I`m safe & sound in my backpacker`s guesthouse here in Lausanne. Overall the travels went smoothly.

As I walked through the Geneva airport this afternoon & let the fact of where I was & why settle into my jet-lagged mind, I was a bit overwhelmed. But it wasn`t that anxious overwhelmed feeling, but a good one. Like I`m finally here, after so long of hoping & praying & anticipating. Almost 2 years ago I first was introduced to this organization called Medair & now here I am, actually going to meet them & find out if a future working with them is a possibility!

I`m very thankful - for supportive friends & family, for this opportunity in a world in which I know its not the norm to be so fortunate, and for a God who believes in me and leads me with patience and love.

I probably won`t be able to update until next Saturday after the training/orientation is over - until then, ciao!

Leaving on a jet plane...

Well, the time has finally arrived! I've been thinking for months about this trip and here it is. I'm leaving Thursday afternoon for Geneva, Switzerland. My first stop is for the Medair training course, which I am excited for & a bit apprehensive of as well. I believe this is where I am to be, if only to learn & grow over this week of intense orientation to the life of a relief worker. But I do have many doubts as to how my skills and intellect can be used in this capacity - your prayers for this time are so appreciated!

I'll be in Switzerland for about a week & a half, head to Italy for another week & a half, then on to Ireland for a few days before heading back to Denver! It should be full of adventure & hopefully some direction/revelation. I'll try to keep you all posted as I go. Email & comment, as always I would love to hear from you!

Anxiety & Panic attacks

(warning…rambling processing going on…)
Well, I’ve never considered myself an anxiety-ridden person. And I definitely would not claim to have experienced a full on panic attack. Yet, in talking with my good friend Tiffani lately I seem to be expressing moments of anxiety, panic that have gripped me…and those moments seem to be more frequent. I wonder if maybe I am just acknowledging these moments for what they are, or if I have become a more anxious person?

It comes upon me in situations where I don’t have control, when there is fear of the unknown & I question my ability/skills or worthiness. In the past I most experienced the chest constricting and trembling in anticipation of large social situations. Yes, a wallflower I have been known to be…surprising I’m sure! :)

Today I feel anxiety coming on as I consider heading to a friend’s party – a new friend that I don’t know well & whose friends I also have no clue about. Why social anxiety? What is there to fear? I try to rationalize it away. I try to walk myself through the situation in preparation & to figure out what exactly it is that creates fear. Tonight I fear being unknown & not wanted to be known. Are the fears grounded? Is there any reason to think I would be outcast, frowned upon for coming or unwanted? Not at all! Then, where must these thoughts be coming from? There’s nothing in them of truth & to edify. If I was trying to figure out whether I should go because I have other things to do or if I had work tomorrow & needed some alone time I could see the issue. Yet here I am, with no good excuse except if I didn’t want to go. But I do want to go! Why do I have to consider/analyze so much?

We are all just fending for ourselves, aren’t we? As much as I hate to admit it, I dwell on myself & miss out on the relational connections around me. How are we so easily deceived? If someone is truly so shallow as to judge me as I fear, what do I care? That judgement would only be coming out of their fears & insecurities – so unfounded & not to be trembled at! Why can’t I take that to heart?

So, I pray. Paul says in Phillipians to not be anxious about anything, but with thanksgiving present your requests to God - that God will grant peace to guard your heart and mind. So, I keep praying. Because though God may grant that peace, I don't always receive it! And it never hurts to stay in communication with the Creator, I don't think. He's probably the best to know how to deal with the situations I'm in!

Peace & Chaos

I find myself drifting back and forth between such peace and such chaos. The peace is my trust & hope that the Lord is directing my path, forming me along the journey, using me as we go & the destination is not as important as the journey. Chaos is in my anxiety in never feeling adequate -- so many others to be compared to, so much work to be done & not enough time, energy, ability, perfection available to do it!

Do I engage it all? Do I ignore it? The tears come, I could suppress them...but that also feels shackled and lonely. I want to feel it. I want to enter into emotion.

May I walk in the light of your Presence, My Lord.

To serve wholistically

So, about a year and a half ago I came across an advertisement for this emergency relief organization called Medair. Since then, I found myself browsing their website to learn more about who they are, what they're about, and how I might be able to get involved. See, I've been searching for an opportunity where I can serve people wholistically. It's just not me to be either an 'evangelizer' or to be strictly a humanitarian. My faith compels me to love wholly - the spiritual, emotional, physical, mental needs of people. I believe this is how Jesus lived here & therefore how I need to live & love as well. To honor God through honoring his people, that is what I want to be about.

Back to Medair...I had a brief exchange of emails with their main office last year, but didn't feel compelled right then to pursue more. No one I knew had ever heard of this organization, until my friend Brandi introduced me to an acquaintance of hers, who happened to have just returned from serving 2 years in Uganda with Medair. After pummelling Mike with questions about his experiences, I was convinced I needed to take a step forward. Thus, I began the application process to see what might happen (and in the mean time put in my notice at CCAI...that's another story!). Well, just last week I received word that they'd like me to be part of their Rehabilitation Orientation Course (ROC) next month in Switzerland, where the headquarters is. I'm not guaranteed any position with them at this point, but should know by the end of my week with them in June...whether this is the road ahead of me or just another learning curve, I'm very excited!

To be connected with a group of people whose values and goals are so aligned with my own is quite inspiring! I'll get into more of that later...until then, I'm enjoying this journey!

Simply Christian

So far, I've only felt comfortable posting here what others have said. Sometimes that's the best way for me to express what's going on in me...when I find words that touch my soul and move me to think beyond my current situation & drama or lack of it!

Recently I've been wondering, however, if my dependence on others' words has confined my own. Perhaps processing the world around me by opening up a bit here could be a bit therapeutic, hopefully freeing. That's just a thought, but a thought that has now been spewed into the cyber world...so let's see how it goes, shall we?

To start things off, I've begun reading Simply Christian by N.T. Wright. I still have this skeptical voice inside me that is leery of "Christian" books. Though I have read Wright before & respect his writing, have never heard anything negative about him, I still feared a dry read...a type of apologetic dissertation that drives you to answers rather than to God, if that makes sense. I guess I had very low expectations, and I'm happy to admit that the first chapter blew those expectations out of the water!

For those of you who know me, justice - specifically God's Justice - has been high on my priorities over the last year. I've prayed over what it means, looks like, acts like, and pondered how I could possibly have come 26 years of my life without being introduced to it! I mean, I'm reading scripture these days that I've read hundreds of times before, yet never realized the truth of God's heart for the end of oppression in this world! So to open up this book & to read that Wright's whole trajectory begins with our longing for justice...he had me!

A snipet:

"It's as though we can hear, not perhaps a voice itself, but the echo of a voice: a voice speaking with calm, healing authority, speaking about justice, about things being put to rights, about peace and hope and prosperity for all."

We all hear it, don't we? It's that gut level, instinctual urge that claims we aren't created to live in darkness, but in light. The oppression of power, wealth, and ignorance cut our hearts. We are all meant for something more. We have all been created with Good in mind...how have we come to this point and how the heck do we get back to where we came from?

After the massacre this week at Virginia Tech, I was pondering all of this & all I could see in my mind's eye was the Cross.

Redemption. Restoration. Salvation.

His grace is sufficient & His love knows no bounds.

May I be a minister of your reconciliation & healing in this world, Lord.