Everything?

Lord, I give it all back.

Take and receive all that I am and have.

You've given it to me; I give it all back to you.

Do what you want with me.

Just give me your love and grace and that's enough.

- St Ignatius

All. Everything.

  Surrender. Sacrifice.

"Any road, Lord, at any cost."

I used to pray these prayers, these words with such fervor, such anticipation. The road, the cost, though unknown seemed exciting and enticing. An adventure!

Meaning. Purpose. Value.

Today these prayers conjure other thoughts and emotions...

Hard. Difficult. Scary!

  Too much. Not enough.

  Can I really do this?

My life has become more complex since I first uttered those prayers, or it at least feels more complex. Perhaps I just carry more baggage that is painful both to carry and let go of.

There are 3 of us now - me has become we. One is tiny, dependent on the other two for her every need.

Really God? All? Everything? At Any Cost?

Our promise: Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

JOY

If that Joy is worth the cross to my God, what can I truly hold back? How can I hold back?

We're too far now...its all or nothing. We choose all and search for the Joy in each moment of this adventurous journey we are on...

Reflections

So for those who don't know, I stepped down from my position leading the Boaz Trust in September. For some time, there was a nagging sense that I was not quite in the right place, despite being in a position of responsibility and influence. I stepped down in the knowledge that there was a strong chance I may return to my previous place of work, Siemens with a short term contract. Last week, it became clear that was not going to happen. So, in short this has become an extended absence of leave from full time work. Whilst im still looking for another short term work opportunity so that we can pay the bills, i do not have a peace about accepting another full time job at this point. We've been asked to wait by God, explore a few opportunities that may lead to longer term appointments in ministry, and take a temporary job to pay the bills in the meantime! 

A period of waiting gives you an opportunity to reflect on what has gone before. Back in 2009, I left my job with Siemens to explore a sense of calling to the poor and went to work in the DR Congo with Medair. Change and transition has been a prevalent theme since I made that decision. Me and Jennie got married, we came back to the UK, started new jobs, moved to a church plant, I got a degree in theology, Jennie gave birth to baby Kora and here we are. It feels like we are in the final stages of this particular period of transition. 

The experiences we have had over the past few years have clarified important things about ourselves, foundations in marriage, identity, clarified our sense of calling. Its interesting to look back. Through experiences with Medair, we commenced our journeys of faith but equally became disillusioned with the solutions that the aid sector had to offer the marginalised and poor. Yes people were helped through the practical delivery of large scale emergency relief projects, but ultimately we became dissatisfied with a form of mission that generates a dependancy culture, disempowering people and communities, a blight on the ability of individuals to think through solutions to the problems existing in their own countries. At the end of the day, its far easier to accept a handout than to work through issues in relationships, governance and corruption. We wanted more! 

In the UK, we have been working for grassroots charities. Led by Christians, supported by local churches and involving lots more face to time with the 'poor', suddenly the people we were serving had a name, a personality and a story that made everything much more personal. Hard to just go back to normal life at the end of each day, when your lives become so intertwined with those you are supporting through your work, the poor are no longer kept at arms length, they are in your face and its uncomfortable. The practical support provided by these charities provided was vital, life saving at times, like the Boaz Trust providing accomodation and basic needs support for refused asylum seekers. 

That sense of nagging pervaded though. There was still a dependency culture that broke through, a desire to see this cycle broken, to see the poor come to realise how Jesus sees them, discipleship, the good news, a calling to mission. A combination of practical expertise plus spiritual input seems a positive way forward. Still not completely sure what this looks this looks, but in reflecting, im reminded that we are on a journey and God is revealing new things all the time

Kingdom Journey

Its always been strange and very disconcerting that most experiences of church we see  look nothing like the bible. Church has got to be more than a never ending stream of dinner parties with your white middle class friends. Right? Fortunately we are in a good place right now, on the leadership team of a church plant in an urban priority area. Part of a healthy community of disciples, we are learning that there is nothing quite like the thrill of seeing the gospel planted in a new place. Whilst there is never a perfect way of doing church, big or small, urban or rural and each approach has something to teach us, there are some truths from Scripture that you would like to think always prevail. Lets be kind and say mission, outward focus, incarnational, community, inclusive, justice, kingdom, humble - maybe these can all be summarised with one word - love! What about risk, trust, faith, dependance, discomfort, journey? Are we willing to embrace these values as readily?

The west tends to be fascinated with security, certainty and safety. One of the questions you tend to be asked in interviews is what is your 5 year plan? Where do you expect to be in 10 years? Do you think these values can be translated to the way we live and experience church? I think they often are in contemporary society, and consequently we don't always experience all God has for us - we get stuck with our jobs, promotions, success, mortgage payments, cars, gadgets and who knows what else! When we take examples from scripture we often see a different story! Lets take Abraham - he was asked to go on a journey in faith without knowing where he was going - to trust, believe and have faith. The disciples were sent out by Jesus and told not to worry about where they would sleep, the food they would eat and the clothes they would wear. These kingdom journeys led to periods of adventure, brokenness, emptiness, abandonment, dependance and ultimately deeply intimate relationships with God. 

The journey's were just a part of their stories though! You can't stay on the journey for ever! You have to descend from the mountaintops and return to the banality and difficulties of everyday life. Once the journey has started however, nothing can be the same again! You live in a new reality, a kingdom reality where you start dreaming about Gods kingdom coming on earth! That there is more!!! No longer a slave to yourself or the world around you, Gods purposes and plan for your life become clearer

Transitions

We can strongly relate to this description of going through a period of transition. In many respects, It seems to be a very accurate description of the journey we have been on recent years. Its from a book called 'Stuck', written by Terry Walling and based on the leadership development research of Dr. J. Robert Clinton of Fuller Theological Seminary.

 "Kingdom influence is the by-product of men and women who allow God to do a deeper work in their lives."  

"Transitions are characterized by a prolonged period of restlessness, self-doubt, lack of motivation, job stagnation, diminished confidence, lack of direction, distance from God, isolation, relational conflict and tension, lack of effectiveness, and struggle to stay focused and motivated."  "Transitions are more about character development than job description.  In a transition, God turns a searchlight onto the heart." 

Transitions often bring clarity of self-definition (who I am), role (my contribution) and new paradigms (presuppositions and worldview).

"God uses transitions to better align people's lives to his purposes." 

"Every phase of one's development has purpose.  Failing to process the challenges and implications of each phase can mean moving to the next phase with unfinished business." 

Remember the children's song, Deep and Wide?  "The width of one's influence with Jesus is in direct proportion of the depth of one's intimacy with God.  Transitions take a life deep, so the result of a life and its influence can go wide."

Pain à Intimacy à Power à Influence

The entry stage of a transition is often characterized by emotions of restlessness, confusion, self-doubt, and isolation as well as relational trauma and a consistent lack of energy." 

The evaluation stage may include rehearsing past struggles, confronting issues of wounding, consolidating lessons, deepening convictions and challenging life assumptions. 

The alignment stage is surrendering to God's agenda.  It brings one to be more pliable, teachable, open-minded and openhearted to change.  

In the direction stage destiny experiences begin to occur as God reveals new direction.  The end of transition brings one to a crossroad of faith, a challenge to step out in obedience.  

"Breakthrough, and the end of a transition, often comes at unexpected moments."  Destiny moments are special experiences or events that reveal insight into where God is leading you. There may be a series of preliminary insights and then an 'aha' moment where you know you have heard from God.  God may use destiny moments to endorse a commitment or decision, affirm a paradigm shift or affirm a new course of direction or opportunity.  (51)  God's plan begins to unfold. 

Destiny moments build faith to meet the challenge of a new step.  "In the end, every transition also brings on a challenge to one's ability to trust God." 

We are still waiting patiently for breakthrough!

Restless Pilgrims

Its been a bit of a whirlwind of a few months. Those of you who know us well will know that we gave birth to a baby girl, Kora Joy a few months ago! Its been been an amazing and bewildering time adjusting to being full time parents, we are loving being a family! In other news, Mark left his position with the Boaz Trust last week. He doesn't have another job to step into at the moment, but we believe that God has been preparing us for this for some time - whilst a very rewarding job with a truly gospel centred organisation, we have been sensing Gods preparation for a release from this position for almost a year. So we have taken a leap of faith! At the moment that means taking a temporary position for a year and taking some time out to discern where God might be leading.

We continue to feel a senses of restlessness, a dissatisfaction with the status quo. It does feel like God has been and is continuing to prepare us for a major shift in our ministry focus over the last few years. So we have taken an intentional step to take some time out to really discern what this might look. Although these feelings of restlesness can be deeply frustrating, we have come to realise that there is such a thing as a holy restlesness, an uneasiness if you like with just accepting how things seem to be. It can also redeeming though. It takes you to a place of non-conformity and non-complacency, keeps you on edge... it helps you search for something deeper and more true. God has already revealed a lot to us over the past few years of this journey.There are no magic answers, just as we step out in faith each time the Lord reveals a little more to us!

To be honest, we're not completely sure where God is leading. We have some ideas but nothing concrete at the moment. As St. Augustine once said ' Our heart is restless until it rests in you Lord.' The idea is to be quite serious over the next few months about doing some things that will help draw us closer to God and continue to discern his will and really discover why God might be trying so hard to get our attention. Please continue to pray for us as the Lord leads us on this journey. it feels like an exciting time for our little family right now!

Life without papers

I thought i'd signpost you to a great blog about some of the people i work with every day, its called http://www.lifewithoutpapers.co.uk/ This blog is not an easy read, it tells the stories about the daily struggles and vulnerabilities of this often forgotten and neglected group

Undocumented migrants have nothing. They are not allowed to work. They have no right to state benefits nor to a place to live. They are unseen and potentially the most vulnerable group in the UK today.

Undocumented (or irregular) migrants include those trafficked into the sex trade or for domestic servitude; they include visa overstayers; those whose asylum applications have been refused and others who have been subject to failures in the immigration system. All of these may originally have come to the UK legally.

‘Illegal immigrants’ – those imagined to have entered the country in the backs of lorries – make up a small proportion of the undocumented.

Indeed some sources suggest that half the estimated 120,000 undocumented children in the UK were actually born here to undocumented parents. These children are disadvantaged from birth, solely by their immigration status. Written by photographer and writer Len Grant, the subjects of the stories have been introduced through agencies or charities that work with destitute migrants.

....and 2 years later!

Well its been some time since we updated this site...and the past couple of years have been full of adventure! We have loved the first few years of marriage, have experienced the ups and downs of working for 2 growing charities, not to mention moved to a new church and established ourselves in a new community. 

The last time we posted, we talked about how God was working in our lives through the many changes we were experiencing, that we felt a deep desire to experience God more deeply and connect with those around us, there was a strange kind of restlesness driving us! 

This feeling has continued to shape our spiritual lives over the past few years. Our work has opened our eyes to many new things, working along rejected and marginalised asylum seekers and helping the church to engage with their wider communities across the UK. We felt compelled to leave our church and move to a new plant within a social housing estate in Manchester. The church plant is within a more deprived area of the city, and the church has grown quickly to total about 60 people. 

This same restlesness continues to drive us though, and we are continuing to feel God drawing us to new things. Trendy words that are often thrown around in Christian circles include incarnational, church planting, justice, mission. Thoughts around some of these issues are shaping our thoughts about our future. Thats all i'll say for now but im sure there will be more to come in the near future...watch this space