My issues - Jan to April 08

Upon my arrival back in Kaabong I was more hopeful, as I mentioned in the last post. Our team was changing in a good way and I had been here for 4 months – surely I was now settled and ready to thrive here like I hadn’t before. Unfortunately within the first two weeks, I had experienced a heightened sense of anxiety – unlike any I had experienced before! What was wrong with me? I would obsess over little decisions, my head turning & turning over minute details all the while I’m rationally telling myself its stupid & I should stop, but I can’t. Anything new that was thrown my way seemed like the most challenging thing I ever faced, I was paralyzed by decisions and trying new things. Not the best way to have to work in a totally different culture! Plus, my relationships within the team started suffering – it wasn’t outward, just inside me I found I was taking everything that was said to me deeply personally. I constantly felt defeated and like I was battling within myself day after day. January was such a difficult month for me – I had some conversations with my bosses and explained what I was going through. I knew that if something didn’t change, I was going to need to leave. I couldn’t just keep on surviving day in & out, I want to thrive, or at least have a bit of joy & peace in my days, rather than the despair and frustration I was feeling right then. We agreed to take those first 8 weeks for me to seek out what the best next step was for me, that in March I would have to decided if I would stay or go.

All this time, my desire to be here never left. I knew this is where I wanted to me, that this is where God had brought me & my time here was not over. But, was it the most healthy thing for me right then? Or even healthy for my team? I was praying for some major help, as I didn’t know what to do next. They had me come out of the field a bit earlier than had been planned, so I could talk with the counselor in Kampala. Within a day of being out of the field, I had a full-on panic attack and it was very clear that this had less to do with my environment in Kaabong and more to do with something inside me! My meeting with the counselor went well, she is a lovely lady that I had met before with a lot of insight and compassion. After talking for an hour about my experiences, she said with quite some determination, that she thought I had a chemical imbalance and should consider a type of medication to help me. She’s not a psychiatrist & couldn’t prescribe me anything, but wanted me to think about it & see the doctor in the mean time to check if anything else was affecting me physically. My visit with the doctor didn’t produce any results – which led to another doctor & eventually to the psychiatrist.

Honestly, I’ve never been on any type of anti-depressants and obviously never liked the idea. I had some major concerns about just drowning out what’s going on in me (with Garden State on my mind) to the point of not feeling anything and also just being hooked on meds. I wanted to be sure this was really a good option, especially being in a foreign country! But as the days went on & I continued experiencing these anxieties continually, I finally got to the point of saying I would try anything! I wanted some relief, something to control these emotions, these crazy swiriling issues in my brain that I had no control over! I was very convinced that even returning home to the US would not cure what was going on in me – so after some research and great conversations with good friends like Kelley Gray, Constance, and Tiffani, I felt confident to give them a try. So, on my 28^th birthday, I began taking anti-anxiety/depressants – not sure what that mile-marker states, but I’m hoping it says I’m open to new options and always committed to growing, learning, and being healthy…

I’ve been on the meds for 6 weeks now and I feel more like myself than I have since I arrived in Uganda! I can think clearly, I have joy & peace daily! I face each day with courage and am excited at challenges that come my way instead of hiding in a corner and trembling at every new encounter. I finally feel like I’m thriving here! That’s been my prayer all along & finally I’m here – amazing! Thank you to everyone who walked with me through this craziness – especially my parents as I know they only wished I would jump on a plane to let them take care of me instead of getting sporadic updates and worrying for me in the midst of my breakdowns. They are truly the best parents ever! I love you, mom & dad!

I’m also on a 6-month stint with the meds, hoping to go gradually off them so that I’m not dependant continually. This has been a huge learning experience, but I have to say it gives me some major perspective on the fragility of our mental state – my mental state. Thank God for medication that can help my brain remember the correct way to work!

After starting the meds, I saw the counselor again and we began to look at some deeper issues of why I’ve gotten to this state. I’m not really sure how much this can be caused by stress or if there’s even any proven way you come to a point of a chemical imbalance. However, I am sure that I have issues inside that definitely did not contribute positively to my very fragile emotional state. See, I’m a people pleaser – I love to keep peace and have everyone being happy…which often comes at the expense of my well-being. She gave me a book to read called: “Pleasing you is destroying me” and it has been really helpful as I’m working through why I do the things I do. I’m so thankful to even have the state of mind to which I can tackle some destructive thought patterns and even pray through my interactions with the people around me. I still have a lot to work on, but little by little I’m learning to distinguish between what I need to do based on pleasing others versus what I want or my role in my job. There’s a lot more to say about this, but for now I wanted to let you know what’s been going on with me.

So that’s my story – I’m really enjoying Kaabong right now! I’ve started tutoring one of our staff, Stella, in reading & writing English. Here she is:

She is an amazing cook and helps us around the house/office, but has never had the opportunity to go to school. Stella did receive some tutoring when she worked with another NGO, but not enough to feel confident in reading. She is so excited to learn & I’m so excited to get to spend this one-on-one time with her and see her flourish! It’s the best part of my week!