My break from blogging is officially over. Excuse the silence, it wasn't so much intentional as a result of the need for less computer time and more relational time.
So, some of you know what’s been going on in my life the past few months, some of you don’t. I was trying to decide how much I express on here, since its very public & I probably don’t know some of you reading this very well. But the more I consider, the more I realize that my reasons for not sharing are unnecessary & exactly part of my issues to begin with. I care a lot what people think of me – I’m a people pleaser. I care how people view my decisions & if they would have done the same. That’s probably the biggest reason I hesitate…I hate rejection, which in my mind equals others disagreeing with me be it on what I want to eat for lunch to what the path of my life is. Yes, that’s right, I’m a very sick woman! :) The good news is, I’m very aware I have issues and am facing them.
Back to the last few months…or maybe even further than that… When I first arrived in Uganda, I was taking these malaria meds called Mefloquine – otherwise known as Larium. Now, I’ve taken these meds before on short trips, for no longer than 8 weeks total. I’ve never had a bad experience & when my doctor talked with me before leaving, she recommended it because of my previous experiences – plus its only a once a week pill rather than daily doses. Upon arriving here I heard some stories of others’ issues with the meds, but continued to shrug them off as you kind of have to pick & choose what medical advice you take from those who don’t live in your body and who aren’t medical experts. In September & October I had some anxiety, mostly as it came to dealing with my job and the fact that everything I was experiencing was new and sometimes scary. Plus I was put in the role of leading our team a few times, which wasn’t in my plan and felt way bigger than I could handle – I learned a ton, made it through, but not without continual prayer and lots of deep breaths! Mid-October I started to experience vertigo – this continual dizziness, day in & out…really weird. As I left the field in November and visited with my great friend Tif in Kampala, I experienced my first panic attack. Thanks to Tif’s amazing counseling background and friendship, she talked me into taking another look at the malaria meds’ side effects, as she thought they might include anxiety. Better yet, they include anxiety, panic, and vertigo! Decision made – NO MORE LARIUM! (side note: please consider this drug very seriously if you decide to travel to a malaria-prone country, as many friends here had worse experiences like seizures and long-lasting mental health issues!)
My head & heart lightened up after this was banished from my body and I felt more-or-less normal for a month. Then, the craziness of December came upon us & even though we were not shopping and partying towards the holidays, we were busy and stretched and all on the point of burnout in the Kaabong team. It was tough – so the holiday break was very welcome. I had a lovely time in South Africa, as you may have seen in a post when I returned, and enjoyed my time with Constance & Wayne. However I definitely did not ‘bounce back’ as I thought I would during that time. There was a heaviness that was present that I couldn’t explain & sometimes would just cloud my emotions for periods of time. I returned to Uganda with hope for the future, but definitely unsure of what to expect next…more to come in future posts…
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