Direction: forward

Thank you so much for your prayers and thoughts this past weekend. Though no epiphanies nor the audible voice of God reached me, I believe the alignment of my values and hopes with the Come, Let's Dance team continues to be affirmed as I spend more time with them. This retreat was a lot about defining the core values and mission of their organization. As they have been growing very quickly, their grassroots-nature can easily become a burden and spread them too thin. Their desire is to still claim that nature, but with some clearly defined values that will help them limit the needs they can address and the roles they will play in Uganda.

I love that one non-negotiable is a commitment to the dignity of every person they come into contact with. Be it the street kid who needs a home or the American volunteer who comes over to Africa for the first time, all are welcome and cared for. Their mantra/motto right now is "Love Hard". One of the core team, Jeremy, shared with us a challenge he's had on his heart and what helped inspire this motto. From 1 Corinthians 13, probably one of the most quoted portions of the Bible, where we learn all about what Love is and is not. Verse 7 says, "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
~ Jamie Tworkowski, To Write Love on Her Arms

This is why I love this group of people and am excited about the opportunity to be about God's love for the most desperate and vulnerable of our friends in Uganda.

I hope to have some more defining conversations in the next few weeks of what I might be able to add to this team come the fall. I'll share with you as soon as I know more. For now, I'm living fully here and daily trusting in the Lord's leading for my next steps...day by day. Thanks for journeying with me!

Prayer for next steps

So this afternoon I'm headed to Fraser, CO to meet up with my friends with Come, Let's Dance. It is time for their semi-annual team planning retreat - which I'm going to be attending. Why would I attend this...well, because my heart is yearning to be back in Uganda, to be involved in what CLD is up to there, and so far my time back in the US hasn't sparked any major changes in my desire to serve and live cross-culturally! Now, I don't know if this is for sure what I'll be doing - working with CLD - but I'm taking some steps in that direction to see if the dots connect and to be very honest if that's where God would have me to be.

Would you pray with me on this? That the next few days would at least open up a few more steps on this journey and for peace in the way that I'm led?

I don't know who all out there is reading my blog, but I know most of you have been along for the journey over the past few years. Know that I love & appreciate each of you & wouldn't have made it this far without your support in thought and prayers. Even now I need you! I'll let you know how it goes on the other side!

40 hours of silence

This past weekend I ventured off to a beautiful retreat center in the mountains on a 40-hour silent retreat. The experience was as communal as it was about solitude, which made for an interesting weekend. We ate together...in silence. We hiked together...in silence. I even played speed UNO and scattergories with some friends...in silence! Who knew you could do so much without words? Of course, the retreat was not about being together as much as it was about taking time away to silence our minds and hearts to listen for the still, small voice of God. On Saturday morning we spent 3 hours in solitude, just ourselves and God. Daunting for some and a welcome respite for others, I believe I can speak for most of us that it was a profound and exceptional time.



Part of my time of solitude was spent in the Labyrinth. You can't see it too well, but in the picture below, in the bottom left, there are some people within the labyrinth that has been made with rocks outlining the path. Above is a picture from Chartres Cathedral in Paris, which the labyrinth below is modeled after. It is a prayer-tool that has been used for hundreds of years to depict a pilgrimmage to God. One takes their time following the path - sometimes coming quite close to the middle and at others finding themselves to be quite far away again, yet always farther along the path than when they first began. I had never walked through a labyrinth before and wondered how it could be beneficial. As I took the time on Saturday, I found the journey to the center to be a rich time of stripping the layers of anxieties, responsibility, and burdens off and giving them over to Christ. When I began my mind was so distracted and overflowing with scattered thoughts - when I reached the middle, my mind was centered, my heart was light and I was ready to spend time at the center of my God's affection. For that is where I found myself to be - in His loving gaze. I don't have many words to describe my connection to God at the center...but it was deep and intimate and transforming. Why...well I'm not sure I can explain it, but it was! I spent a chunk of my time there, just sitting in His Presence. Then I returned from whence I came, pondering how different the journey out was from the journey in - so much more focused and relaxed and joy-full.

I share all of this because it was profound for me and I've come away from this experience acknowledging my need to slow down more and seek my Lord along the journey.

Topsy-turvy ways

My friend Trace here calls the way Jesus interacts with the world as topsy-turvy. If you read the stories of Jesus, he is always coming at a situation in a very different way than we would, or let me not assume for you, but than I would. He sees situations with an obviously divine perspective, but if you consider the fact that he is trying to model how we should interact with the world, it is quite shocking. Some examples – you should strive to be the servant of everyone, the humble (meek) are blessed and will inherit the earth, when slapped give the person the other cheek to slap again. There are tons more, but the bottom line is that his view on living this life on earth is about thinking of others first. Its about living for all instead of living for me. Its about striving to bring honor to God by honoring what he has created. What is the world we live in every day about? Its about success, about survival of the fittest, about climbing the ladder of wealth and prosperity. It’s the same here in Uganda: there are status-mongers at every turn, the more money you get the more you want, use the people around you to create the world you desire…

And I’m feeling the most weak and broken as ever, like there is nothing I have to offer. Perhaps God might be most honored even now? Even now when I often feel so alone and helpless? And still there is a natural inclination for me to dwell within myself, that because of this state I’m in to have an excuse not to know the people around me, to not see them, to not serve them. Yet God says he chooses those who are foolish and weak to do his work – funny, isn’t it? But I find there is no other choice for me, because the full life I experience with God, even in hard times, is so much greater than life without God. I definitely wouldn’t have survived so long over here without daily clinging to the grace of God. Here are a few verses that have always encouraged me that trusting God is always better than trusting myself – He’s just a bit bigger and in control than I am:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

By wisdom the Lord laid the earth’s foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew.

(ps – I’m in Kampala for the week, taking a rest and using the time to ponder what’s been going on with me. Please don’t read these posts to mean I’m about to lose it…I’m struggling, but I’ll make it through. Your prayers are very appreciated as always.)

Anxiety & Panic attacks

(warning…rambling processing going on…)
Well, I’ve never considered myself an anxiety-ridden person. And I definitely would not claim to have experienced a full on panic attack. Yet, in talking with my good friend Tiffani lately I seem to be expressing moments of anxiety, panic that have gripped me…and those moments seem to be more frequent. I wonder if maybe I am just acknowledging these moments for what they are, or if I have become a more anxious person?

It comes upon me in situations where I don’t have control, when there is fear of the unknown & I question my ability/skills or worthiness. In the past I most experienced the chest constricting and trembling in anticipation of large social situations. Yes, a wallflower I have been known to be…surprising I’m sure! :)

Today I feel anxiety coming on as I consider heading to a friend’s party – a new friend that I don’t know well & whose friends I also have no clue about. Why social anxiety? What is there to fear? I try to rationalize it away. I try to walk myself through the situation in preparation & to figure out what exactly it is that creates fear. Tonight I fear being unknown & not wanted to be known. Are the fears grounded? Is there any reason to think I would be outcast, frowned upon for coming or unwanted? Not at all! Then, where must these thoughts be coming from? There’s nothing in them of truth & to edify. If I was trying to figure out whether I should go because I have other things to do or if I had work tomorrow & needed some alone time I could see the issue. Yet here I am, with no good excuse except if I didn’t want to go. But I do want to go! Why do I have to consider/analyze so much?

We are all just fending for ourselves, aren’t we? As much as I hate to admit it, I dwell on myself & miss out on the relational connections around me. How are we so easily deceived? If someone is truly so shallow as to judge me as I fear, what do I care? That judgement would only be coming out of their fears & insecurities – so unfounded & not to be trembled at! Why can’t I take that to heart?

So, I pray. Paul says in Phillipians to not be anxious about anything, but with thanksgiving present your requests to God - that God will grant peace to guard your heart and mind. So, I keep praying. Because though God may grant that peace, I don't always receive it! And it never hurts to stay in communication with the Creator, I don't think. He's probably the best to know how to deal with the situations I'm in!

O Thou who comest

O Thou who comest,
Who are the hope of the world, give us hope. Give us hope that beyond the worst the world can do there is such a best that not even the world can take it from us, hope that none whom thou hast loved is ever finally lost, not even to death.

O Thou who died,
In loneliness and pain, suffer to die in us all that keeps us from thee and from each other and from what we have it in us at our best and bravest to become. O Lamb of God, forgive thy butchers.

O Thou who didst rise again,
Thou Holy Spirt of Christ, arise and live within us now, that we may be thy body, that we may be thy feet to walk into the world's pain, thy hands to heal, thy heart to break, if need must be, for love of the world.

Thou risen Christ, make Christs of us all.

Amen.

~ Buechner