The Jordan is waiting...

Most people have seen the Prince of Egypt, right? If not, it’s an animated movie about Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. The story is from the Old Testament – The Israelites, also called Hebrews, have been in slavery for over 400 years. This is when Moses enters the scene & is called by God to lead his people out of this land and into another land that he promised would be theirs to their patriarch, Abraham, many centuries earlier. The movie ends (or so I remember) at the crossing of the Red Sea, where God shows up to part the sea so that the Hebrews walk through on dry land to escape the Egyptian army who were following close behind.

Ok, so the story then goes on that the Israelites were found to be in a desert on the other side and they have some miles to travel before they reach this land that God promised them. Unfortunately along the way they are not faithful to God – they decide to do things their own way and get very angry with God for taking them away from a land where at least they had water, meat, daily necessities. So God provides meat, water, all that they need, but of course it is still difficult to live in the desert. When they finally reach the land they are to enter, their scouts come back to say, in essence, that this land is full of giants and there is no way they will survive if they try to inhabit the land. God has already proved himself faithful to these people, yet they continually doubt his provision & plan. So at this point, he’s fed up and tells them they will have to stay in the desert another 40 years before they can enter this promised land.

Before I left for Uganda, the next part of this story kept coming up in my life – I was reading this passage, someone else brought it up, there were just many instances where this came to be an important story for me to listen to a bit. But I couldn’t quite understand the significance – am I entering my promised land? Sure, I’ve been waiting awhile to go overseas & this is finally arrived…but I wasn’t convinced this was the point. Wish I had something more profound to relay about this experience, but my point is just that it was on my mind & heart before I left.

I’m telling you all of this to bring you to today. I’ve been struggling here in Kaabong. There’s something going on in me that I don’t understand and am having a hard time dealing with. Mostly my emotions are crazily out of whack, often leaning towards a very despairing feeling, and I feel like most days I’m just trying to deal with myself let alone face and interact with the challenges of living and working here. It feels like a battle is being waged inside of me and I can’t really get a grip on which side is winning right now (pray that it is the good side!). I have a lot of support and am going to make it through this, but the reality is that I am not experiencing what I had expected to in being here. I thought my struggles would be with the poverty surrounding me and the issues of health, war, natural disasters and how we can truly aid those who are in distress. Those issues are all present, but my heart is very engrossed in helping me to survive. I was hoping to thrive here. There are moments that I feel that way, but moments don’t seem to be enough right now.

This afternoon I was pondering all of this, letting myself just gush with God about what is going on inside of me. Why am I here to deal with myself? I thought I was here to help others. People keep talking about being refined & that just sucks, to be honest. I know it is necessary, but it hurts & I don’t enjoy it. I was listening to some music & one song mentioned going through a desert place – huh, that’s what it feels like right now. I’m in a dry valley that is tough…and though I know it is silly because God is God & He does what He knows best, I sit there and ‘shake my fists’ at God, asking why me? Why here? Why now, when friends & family are so far away? Life back in Denver was so much better, why did you bring me here?

And then I saw it – I’m just like the Israelites…God has been so faithful, never leaving me or forsaking me. But here I am, so frustrated with where I am. Did I want to come, absolutely? So here I am & He is still faithful…do I trust Him to take me through the Jordan to the promised land? I’m not comparing my next phase of life to a land of milk & honey, but just that maybe it will be a place of rest, a place of hope – a place quite other than where I am now. The answer to that question is: sometimes. And that’s the best I can do right now. But today I confess that I am a frustrated child, just wanting the journey to be over and to be on the other side – missing what was behind and longing for what is before, but not really wanting to deal with the now in order to move forward!

Here’s a great song that really depicts how I’m feeling:

Painting Pictures of Egypt by Sara Groves
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS: I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE: If it comes too quick I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?