Feeling Life

but i dont want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
dont give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me
- Derek Webb

Today was an emotional day for me. I think it finally hit me in full force the reality of leaving all that I know & hold dear. That my community, my family, that I've invested in & found a safe place in, will be half way around the world. I won't know the day in & out joys & troubles of my closest friends, it just isn't possible. What am I thinking? Why am I doing this?

And so the tears came, multiple times, and at first I felt like I was in such a pit. I hate this, why would I put myself through this? But in the midst of the streaming tears I heard the Truth - this is what my life is about & these emotions are good & real & raw. They prove the depth of relationship I've been blessed with the past few years. I believe that to truly love deeply, you have to be willing to grieve just as deep - that's the cost. But its worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything & I want to feel this depth even if I cry all the tears right out of me!

I hope to be this brokenhearted when I end my time in Africa - I hope to have friendships and memories so rooted in who I am that it tears me up to leave. That's the life I want to live - not dull, subdued, isolated - but full, exciting, with community! I refuse anything less! I really think I needed to enter into this truth before getting on that plane. It's going to be a challenge to balance relationships from here with life & relationships there. But I'll just have to figure it out as I go, may the bumps & bruises along the way prove to be avenues to Life!