Owen Timothy and Cooper James Feldman

Last April, while in Uganda, I received news that my friend Ali & her husband had given birth to their first child, Emmalee Ann Pearl Feldman. She had already been diagnosed in the womb with a certain heart defect that would require surgery soon after her birth & so we were all ready for a long haul of health needs surrounding this little one. Unfortunately - understatement of the year - she developed some blood clots during a surgery and passed on after 13 days here. Her story and the journey Jon & Ali have been on since can be read about here. They are strong, courageous, and faith-full people.

When I heard this past fall that they were expecting again, this time twins, I was again thrilled for them. Because of the complications with Emmalee, they were visiting their hospital weekly for awhile and all was looking so healthy and great for the babies. But at 21 weeks, Ali went into labor and after breathing air for 19 minutes each, they passed on as well.

My heart is grieving deeply for my friends. A line from this popular song on the radio keeps coming into my head: "How many times can I break til I'm shattered..." I don't know if I could do it, I don't know that I could handle that much loss. And yet, the everlasting arms of our Father are beneath us, carrying us through the loneliest of all places, the darkest of all valleys, the most sorrow-filled experiences. That is my friend Ali's testimony and I wanted to honor these beautiful boys and their amazing parents by sharing this with you. Here is the story, and Ali will continue to update as she has for Emmalee's blog as well. There is beauty from ashes in these stories...even though we may not always recognize it at the time, I believe it.

Please pray with me for my friends as they grieve their children's loss and seek daily the way forward.

Medair

Well i've been accepted on Medair's training programme. You may ask who are Medair? well they are a Christian relief organisation. They work in some of the poorest countries on earth. I will be going to Amsterdam on 21 March for a week of training, and to see if they are the right fit for me. If all goes well, I may have a new job, or it could just be another step on the learning curve for me

A bit more about Medair....www.medair.org

Medair responds to natural disasters, conflicts that uproot communities, and crises such as drought or disease. Our core competencies are emergency relief – responding rapidly to save lives in a crisis – and rehabilitation – restoring vulnerable communities in the wake of a crisis. Our ability to provide life-saving care is enhanced by flexible multisectoral expertise including health services, water and sanitation, and shelter and infrastructure.

Medair serves the world’s most vulnerable people, who are identified by the seriousness of their needs. For Medair, this often means traveling to remote and hard-to-reach locations to assist the most underserved populations.

All of our activities are bolstered by a persistent focus on training and capacity building that stimulates self-sufficiency and nurtures independence. Being accountable to our beneficiaries is a vital component of our programme design and implementation. We do not travel to distant countries to impose our will; we come to compassionately serve the most vulnerable, to listen to their needs, and work alongside them to find the best solutions.

Birthday celebration

Friday night I celebrated my friend Jen's birthday! Here's a picture of her & I. She & I used to work together a Chinese Children Adoption International. We've both moved on from there, but have remained friends. I'm so thankful to be back in Denver to celebrate with her this year!

Random photo of the day

I want to take more pictures...so I thought I'd post some here fairly often just to give updates. I'm not wanting to take pictures to improve my picture-taking ability...just so we're clear. I just want to have more documentation of my life, I guess. Anyways, for today:

This one is called, "I'm freezing, whilst inside & on the computer". Original, I know - but this pretty much summarizes my physical temperature lately. Notice the scarf & blanket...boy am I missing the dry heat of Kaabong!

Living into my identity

The following is an excerpt from New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. These words were first shared with me by my good friend, Brandi, while I was in my first month of living in Uganda. They brought peace to me as I struggled through trying to be what I thought others around me desired me to be. Since that time they have continued to bring me peace as I seek to live fully into who I am, to be content and confident in me and not in hiding behind the 'other' that so often is tempting to compare myself to or seek to be known as.

A tree gives glory to God by being a tree. For in being what God means it to be it is obeying Him. It "consents," so to speak, to His creative love. It is expressing an idea which is in God and which is not distinct from the essence of God, and therefore a tree imitates God by being a tree.
The more a tree is like itself, the more it is like Him. If it tried to be like something else which it was never intended to be, it would be less like God and therefore it would give Him less glory.
No two created beings are exactly alike. And their individuality is no imperfection. On the contrary, the perfection of each created thing is not merely in its conformity to an abstract type but in its own individual identity with itself. This particular tree will give glory to God by spreading out its roots in the earth and raising its branches into the air and the light in a way that no other tree before or after it ever did or will do...
Therefore each particular being, in its individuality, its concrete nature and entity, with all its own characteristics and its private qualities and its own inviolable identity, gives glory to God by being precisely what He wants it to be here and now, in the circumstances ordained for it by His Love and His infinite Art.

I'm thinking about it again now as I seek to re-discover and establish myself, my identity, my role, my place in my home, in Denver. I've noticed that my default position seems to be seeking to be whatever it might be that the people around me will love and be drawn to. Usually this means I'm trying to be something I'm not, or at least leaving out parts of myself that are integral to my identity. Creating a false self that is likable, or so I seem to believe.
This journey back to my previous life, after about 18 months away, has proven to be more challenging than I anticipated. The past four weeks have been a struggle. Yet I'm beginning to come out of a fog, the shock is wearing off & I feel as if I can see more clearly. I can see that I've begun to adapt to my surroundings, putting on the masks of perhaps who I used to be or even who it might be easier to deal with right now instead of letting me be me. Insecurities run deep and begin to surface - which is good to confront, but frustrating to realize I'm living under them rather than overcoming them.
Just some thoughts of where I'm at right now - hopefully on the upswing and at least today seeking to live fully into who I have been created to be - no more, no less.

Following (Part 2)

This morning i've heard George Verwer speak at my church, Ivy Manchester. George Verwer is the founder of Operation Mobilisation. Check out more at http://www.georgeverwer.com/. He talked a lot about following Jesus, answering yes when Jesus says 'Come follow me'

The topic follows on nicely from my last post on this site back in October. Im sure you're wondering what i've been up to since then.

Well i started to apply for jobs with relief organisations over Christmas, and im waiting to hear back on applications at the moment. Having spoken to a number of people in the field in recent months it looks like i should get a post pretty quickly. I can trace this calling on my life back to my early days as a Christian, so you could ay its been a long time coming

Doesn't make it any easier actually saying yes though when Jesus comes calling. Im pretty happy in Manchester, i go to a good church, have a great group of friends and a fantastic family. The thought of leaving all this to go and live and work in one of the worlds most needy, dangerous countries seems crazy at times. I think sometimes i must be mad, or confused or running away from something. All sorts of things start to go through your mind its pretty scary. Will i cope being away? Will i be any good? Will i get on with my colleagues out there

i know, in my heart, what Jesus is leading me to. i have to trust him. This is what famous Chrisitans talk about when they say you need to surrender your life to god. Leaving your job and moving halway across the world. its all coming my way i think, if im brave enough to go and follwo Jesus

Officially Employed!

Four days after arriving in Denver I was practically handed a job at a little community coffee shop in my neighborhood, just a few blocks from my house. The flexible hours of a barista is what I was really craving for this transition-time. I'm also working about 8 hours each week with my church, TNL. The chances to be working within my physical community as well as my church community are exactly what I was desiring, yet couldn't have made work if I tried! I feel very blessed and excited for this next season.

Take a look at the Wash Perk website when you have a chance - its a fun place!