Anxiety & Panic attacks

(warning…rambling processing going on…)
Well, I’ve never considered myself an anxiety-ridden person. And I definitely would not claim to have experienced a full on panic attack. Yet, in talking with my good friend Tiffani lately I seem to be expressing moments of anxiety, panic that have gripped me…and those moments seem to be more frequent. I wonder if maybe I am just acknowledging these moments for what they are, or if I have become a more anxious person?

It comes upon me in situations where I don’t have control, when there is fear of the unknown & I question my ability/skills or worthiness. In the past I most experienced the chest constricting and trembling in anticipation of large social situations. Yes, a wallflower I have been known to be…surprising I’m sure! :)

Today I feel anxiety coming on as I consider heading to a friend’s party – a new friend that I don’t know well & whose friends I also have no clue about. Why social anxiety? What is there to fear? I try to rationalize it away. I try to walk myself through the situation in preparation & to figure out what exactly it is that creates fear. Tonight I fear being unknown & not wanted to be known. Are the fears grounded? Is there any reason to think I would be outcast, frowned upon for coming or unwanted? Not at all! Then, where must these thoughts be coming from? There’s nothing in them of truth & to edify. If I was trying to figure out whether I should go because I have other things to do or if I had work tomorrow & needed some alone time I could see the issue. Yet here I am, with no good excuse except if I didn’t want to go. But I do want to go! Why do I have to consider/analyze so much?

We are all just fending for ourselves, aren’t we? As much as I hate to admit it, I dwell on myself & miss out on the relational connections around me. How are we so easily deceived? If someone is truly so shallow as to judge me as I fear, what do I care? That judgement would only be coming out of their fears & insecurities – so unfounded & not to be trembled at! Why can’t I take that to heart?

So, I pray. Paul says in Phillipians to not be anxious about anything, but with thanksgiving present your requests to God - that God will grant peace to guard your heart and mind. So, I keep praying. Because though God may grant that peace, I don't always receive it! And it never hurts to stay in communication with the Creator, I don't think. He's probably the best to know how to deal with the situations I'm in!

Peace & Chaos

I find myself drifting back and forth between such peace and such chaos. The peace is my trust & hope that the Lord is directing my path, forming me along the journey, using me as we go & the destination is not as important as the journey. Chaos is in my anxiety in never feeling adequate -- so many others to be compared to, so much work to be done & not enough time, energy, ability, perfection available to do it!

Do I engage it all? Do I ignore it? The tears come, I could suppress them...but that also feels shackled and lonely. I want to feel it. I want to enter into emotion.

May I walk in the light of your Presence, My Lord.

To serve wholistically

So, about a year and a half ago I came across an advertisement for this emergency relief organization called Medair. Since then, I found myself browsing their website to learn more about who they are, what they're about, and how I might be able to get involved. See, I've been searching for an opportunity where I can serve people wholistically. It's just not me to be either an 'evangelizer' or to be strictly a humanitarian. My faith compels me to love wholly - the spiritual, emotional, physical, mental needs of people. I believe this is how Jesus lived here & therefore how I need to live & love as well. To honor God through honoring his people, that is what I want to be about.

Back to Medair...I had a brief exchange of emails with their main office last year, but didn't feel compelled right then to pursue more. No one I knew had ever heard of this organization, until my friend Brandi introduced me to an acquaintance of hers, who happened to have just returned from serving 2 years in Uganda with Medair. After pummelling Mike with questions about his experiences, I was convinced I needed to take a step forward. Thus, I began the application process to see what might happen (and in the mean time put in my notice at CCAI...that's another story!). Well, just last week I received word that they'd like me to be part of their Rehabilitation Orientation Course (ROC) next month in Switzerland, where the headquarters is. I'm not guaranteed any position with them at this point, but should know by the end of my week with them in June...whether this is the road ahead of me or just another learning curve, I'm very excited!

To be connected with a group of people whose values and goals are so aligned with my own is quite inspiring! I'll get into more of that later...until then, I'm enjoying this journey!